Argh Bosy Why Are We So Freaky
BOSY!
DO YOU KNOW...i have been thinking about his issue of dependence vs independence over these few days?! THIS IS SO FREAKY! i was just relating to my friend Damien just now at cafe, about how my independence might have made me incapable of depending on someone, and i wen i logged into paybosylim.blogspot after quite sometime, i saw yr entry tt totally gave me a shock. right time right place. Boom! its simply jaw-breaking.......
Well, my context is certainly different. But the issue is roughly the same. I was just thinking about how i could isolate myself to the social world and do things alone. things like shopping, relaxing, reading, etc. All of these happily alone and yet not feeling lonely. But to say that, i don't mean i'm autistic and totally abhors social contact. Yes, infact i do feel lonely sometimes when such stuffs are done too many a times. Yeah. And these are the times that you'd wish so much that there's this soulmate to share every second of your life with: to share both the exciting stuff and the REALLY mundane stuff like "how many ants i killed today" and not feel weird about it. And wishing for someone that i could actually not feel stupid, silly, childish and lousy when i say "hey i'm jealous" over some mundane stuff.
I gave Damien an example:
If your partner has a sisterly friend/ an ex-girlfriend that is now just-a-very-good-friend, and one day he is going out with her to say....for a tea... and he ends up going out like the whole day. And then you felt ridiculously jealous. Ridiculous cos objectively speaking, your mind tells you that it's not right to kick a big fuss about it!
For me, i'd just keep this ridiculous jealousy to myself cos I know it'll look really stupid if i bring it up as some PROBLEM.It's like knowing all the appropriate social cues and behaviors actually retards your instinctive animalistic behaviors to such minimal levels...which may get too unnatural if you're tipped out of the delicate balance.
Also, if you dont talk it out with yr partner, he/she will never get the chance to reassure you. Where would the communication be then?
Actually this sorta ties down to my current situation. It's like...many people have told me that if it were them, they would do whatever it means to find the root of the problem; about the sudden "disappeareance"...like wat are the reasons behind it. But you know...I know that i cant do that. that i'm the kind that would jus try to let it go on my own. i wun have the guts to ask why did he "disappear".
And each time the bible tells me that i need to reconcile with my brothers, although i see the goodness in it, i think i cannot do it for this. And i kinda feel hmmm weak?
Weak becos i dont have the guts to confront. No guts to share cos i know it'll make me look stupid.
Weak for having been too used to being alone and independent that you don't know or don't dare to look stupid at the stakes of dependence?
Argh. Somtimes it can get quite sad to know that it'll take you a million gazillion years before you can truly open up to someone. someone like me get along pretty well with almost everyone. but someone like me does not get close to everyone even after i divulge the deepest darkest secrets of mine. Someone like me considers someone as close to me only when i can share the mundane stuff that happened that very second in my life. Someone like me considers someone close only when i can dare to be angry with and scold him/her; to look silly and childish for ALL kinds of things; to cry not only at sappy movies or books but also the very ridiculous things like jealousy or PMS. Someone who is not disgusted or afraid of my oddities and eccentricities.
(Plus, it doesnt really help when you are faced with shits(setbacks) each time you try your best to "open-up".)
It is like all these things that sometimes make me wonder if i am being too demanding under this shield of easy-goining-ness; this independence. Sometimes this independence can actually make me feel quite aloof man. And if nobody calls me out, i'll just stick by it and hover around my bed or books. sounds quite nerdy aye?
Of course, saying all those stuff does not mean that i forgot that i already have a soulmate in you and lydia; and maybe tabitha =) And i'm not being insecure here. It's just that in matters of hearts and closeness, there's this big barrier for people to cross over to get to me. REALLY get to me. And it's not like everyone would be dying to get close to me (as contrary to this i-have-lots-of-fans perona haha). So it's like i locked myself in this ivory tower and threw away the keys out of e window, thinking that i'm some Repunzel Beauty that everyone shd save, but acually i'm just the ugly bitch that locked the Real Repunzel up! haha...
So Bosy, please dont give up on me ya? Tame me like the fox that was tamed.
Sit beside me, but a distance away. And you dont have to say anything.
But each time you come sit with me, you can move a little closer.
And then one day, we can actually put our arms around each other's shoulder and tamed each other.
Yeah Bosy. I believe being independent doesnt mean being aloof or alone or in isolation. Independence doesnt really mean freedom. Sometimes independence can be like a cage. Sometimes being too independent can make one forgot how to be together with someone and share life with another. Sometimes, dependency can be a key to a different kind of freedom; a special freedom that exist with ties and kinship. How should i put this?
It's like...when u know you can depend totally on someone holding to the ends of a rope that ties you round the waist, you would then dare to abseil the most dangerous cliffs beside a thudering waterfall into the deep dark trenches beyond the belows.
So let us not have a dependency negativism.
Let us not think that "settling down" is a set of chains; a set of burdens of pros and cons.
We oughta learn how to see that it's just a deeper different kind of joy. *smiles*
posted by b.O.s. @ 1:43 AM
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